i watched as your eyes met from across the room
you joined hands
she is the sun, you the moon
this creature from another time
upon meeting my reflection
fell through the looking glass
and was lost to me forever
as much as i try i cannot muster
any hatred, anger or jealousy
at least not that i can see
as much as it hurts to see him
smile at another as he does
it brings me joy to see her smile back
i cannot help but feel her happiness
but what happens next?
as i am slowly crushed under the weight
of emotions i didn't know i was capable of feeling
will they each just be another notch
in each other's bedposts?
one more bad ex story
to tell over dinner
who is the winner of this absurd game?
the swift rabbit outran the tortise
almost as soon as the race bagan
but who really won?
at the stroke of midnight
the rabbit must leave
the tortise has already turned
back into a rock and is once again
immune to such emotions
the stone wall came close to cracking
but a well-guarded heart is difficult to find
behind such walls
in the back of my mind i knew
that i never intended to take the leap
the drawbridge will remain shut tight
for many years to come
until i find the one i've been waiting for
the one i've imagined for so long
and had given up hope of ever finding
Since no one, not even you
could possibly fit such a specific criteria
(somehow from this distance you seem to
though i'm sure if i try i could find
a thousand flaws but i'm afraid
if i do i'll leave nothing left of you
truth is a vicious thing sometimes)
the rabbit is more confident
than i imagine i could ever be
our only difference has obviously
Proven to be more important that I realised
it has defined us so quickly
if only i had been able
to show you how i felt
i'm sure the situation would be very different
i still firmly believe it was merely a matter
of who reached you first
given that she and i are exactly the same
you could have fallen through my side of the glass
all i had to do was ask
and so i waited
promising myself i would
but i took for granted her smile
her heart, her laugh, her mind
how could you not be entranced
when she asked you to dance and left me behind
sitting on the shore as always
watching the waves crash and reminding myself
that it's not worth diving in
i must confess that previously i had no desire
to even get my feet wet
but you changed that
and if i had been more sure of myself
i would have plunged in head first for you
but no coward ever won the heart of a faerie tale maiden
nor slayed any dragon, nor conquered any kingdom
and so i'll wait patiently for your doppelganger
who is to you what i am to her
while i watch you give her all the stars in heaven
and content myself with the thought
that i can keep you both
and there were no casualties
even as i watch you swim away together
even as i hear my heart breaking.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Blog 2.0
I really should write in this blog more often. So much has happened in the last few months that I don't know where to begin. i do know that i don't want to keep writing the way i have. keeping an online journal of my life is not the best way for me to record my thoughts. i'm going to be more selctive and thoughtful about what I post. i want to take more time and think more carefully about what i want to say.
the internet is something most of us can't help but take for granted, but when i stop to think about it, i find it truely amazing. i mean the internet allows us to share information instantly with people all over the world. to have our voices heard. it's a shame that the blogosphere has become so cluttered with thoughtless crap, not to mention every random thought that seems to make it's way onto facebook and twitter.
anyway, i guess my point is this is going to become a real blog. I've already changed the URL and title (more information on why later) and the layout, though i'm still looking for something better. i plan on making changes to the way i write as well as how often i post. i'm not promising a regular posting schedule or anything, but I'll write when i have something to say.
watch this space.
the internet is something most of us can't help but take for granted, but when i stop to think about it, i find it truely amazing. i mean the internet allows us to share information instantly with people all over the world. to have our voices heard. it's a shame that the blogosphere has become so cluttered with thoughtless crap, not to mention every random thought that seems to make it's way onto facebook and twitter.
anyway, i guess my point is this is going to become a real blog. I've already changed the URL and title (more information on why later) and the layout, though i'm still looking for something better. i plan on making changes to the way i write as well as how often i post. i'm not promising a regular posting schedule or anything, but I'll write when i have something to say.
watch this space.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It's Over
Whatever little spark has been pushing me to go to school everyday and actually FINISH high school died slowly over the week. Nothing else seems to matter much either. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, always has been. Trouble is, I'm not getting any closer. I haven't moved forward in 6 years. I don't think I remember how.
I quit. It's over. I'm not giving up on life, don't panic. But the way I'm going about it now isn't working. I haven't seen Louise in a month. I was supposed to see a specialist she referred me too, but her office is too far away, and I really hate using Mum's phone. Louise moved to the same suburb, so I have to find the money for the train before I can go see her.
We're flat broke. No grocery shopping for 3 weeks. Not a slice of bread left in the house. I've reverted back to my old habit of drinking tea when I'm hungry. I think I'm a little dehydrated because of it.
This life is void. It was never going anywhere to start with. I always knew I was born in the wrong body, to the wrong family, in the wrong state. How did I become the person I am in these surroundings? I am the exact opposite of a chameleon. I have to much imagination to be happy with what I have, but not enough to make it into what I want it to be.
I knew this would happen. I told them I needed stability before I went back to school or it would burn me out. I can't do this anymore. It's over. Not that it ever began in the first place.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Hang in there, Little Tomato!
This has pretty much been my mantra lately. There has been so much happen since my last blog that I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start with the stuff that's up front in my head.
I'm getting a haircut. This has been such an unnerving thing to think about lately, I'm surprised it feels like such a natural decision now. I'm getting it cut even shorter. Yes, shorter. My hair is a release point for me. Whenever I'm stressed or anxious, I cut my hair. I did a bit of hacking away a week or two ago when I found out Louise was moving her practice, but it's still chin-length. I feel like I need to drop a load of dead weight our of my life, and a haircut always gives me a lighter, weight-off-my-shoulders feeling, like I'm getting rid of all the anxieties and hang-ups that have been building up inside me. I need that to be able to get on with the rest of my shit.
Also, it turns out my little gender-shift wasn't as temporary as I assumed it would be. I've been searching the fringes of the interwebs and reading up on the subject. Ever since I can remember, I've been discouraged from thinking outside the box. The general rules seemed to be "Don't step out of line, do as you're told, don't let your personality imprint on anything outside of your mind." I have no idea where that last one came from, I have no memory of any life lesson or lecture, but it's been a huge roadblock in my life for... ever. Since I was about 12, I've been slowly uncovering the real person underneath all the stuff I've been told I'm supposed to be. I guess this is just another fun fact I've learned about myself. I've been becoming more and more comfortable with the term "genderqueer," even more so with "androgynous." Because of this, I've been reconsidering what I'll change my name to. I've been Tabitha for the past few years, at least to the people I like. I think it would be smart to chose a unisex name. Small problem, though, a lot of the unisex names I've come across so far are so plain. I never thought I'd want to start making lists of potential names again, but I find my self feeling more optimistic this time around. I've been hanging around on Genderfork, taking note of the kind of names and stuff. I feel good about this.
Before school started, my younger brother Jerome and I went to stay with our Aunt Kym and Uncle Greg for a week. This was a big week. I found out that most of my family know about the problems we've got going on, but were not aware of how much Mum's drinking was affecting us, or how much and often she drinks. There was a family meeting, where we got it all out and I got into a fight with my giant of a grandfather where we both had to be restrained. A few days before that I would have just broken down in tears even before the argument, but I felt so different after staying with Kym and Greg. There was a lot of time-wasting when everyone tried to convince my brother and I that it was our job to take care of Mum. What the fuck does it look like we've been trying to do? She's supposed to be the mother in this relationship. I figured that out a few years ago and backed off, and stopped thinking of myself as the one in charge of everything. One of the few intelligent adults to ever speak to me honestly said that if I acted like a kid, Mum would become the mother I needed. Bullshit. She's just not mother material. Good intentions don't equal good parenting. It's taken me a while to admit that. I've been feeling guilty for saying Mum's not the greatest, well, mum, but now I understand: she's not a dead-beat, she's just genuinely incapable. She's still a child herself. She had kids because it was what married couples were supposed to do.
It's also taken me a while to admit I'm not okay, and asking for help is definitely not something I've had a lot of practice at. After they got the message with a little help from Kym, who just listens like you wouldn't believe, we discussed alternative living arrangements. I'd already asked some of the aunts and uncles for help, and they just kind of blew me off while trying to stifle large quantities of guilt. The problem with my family is that they do want to help, they just don't fully understand, which was the point of the family meeting. My aunt Karen was trying to get an apartment with a friend, so I could move in with them and operate like an adult, but I'm so not ready for that it's not even funny. I've tried to operate like an adult for a long time, I can't do it. I admit I need parental figures in my life. (There's a lot of admitting going on) Kym understands that, and we've been working on finding a way for me to live with her. I had hoped to have the majority of these issues resolved before I started school, but it hasn't happened that way. I've been holding up okay, though, but it's starting to take it's toll. Thus the need for ejecting dead weight.
School is awesome. Simply awesome. I love my teachers, my classes, the stuff I'm learning, I've met loads of cool, interesting people. A few weeks ago, we went on an excursion for art to the APT6 exhibit at the Brisbane Gallery of Modern Art. It rocked, bigtime. I look forward to seeing it again without herds of raucous eight-year-olds running around. I totally aced my Art exam the other day, too (I think). Apart from feeling a little over whelmed (okay, a lot) the last few days, things have been very, very, good.
This post is getting ridiculously long, so I'll just leave it here.
xx Remarkable
I'm getting a haircut. This has been such an unnerving thing to think about lately, I'm surprised it feels like such a natural decision now. I'm getting it cut even shorter. Yes, shorter. My hair is a release point for me. Whenever I'm stressed or anxious, I cut my hair. I did a bit of hacking away a week or two ago when I found out Louise was moving her practice, but it's still chin-length. I feel like I need to drop a load of dead weight our of my life, and a haircut always gives me a lighter, weight-off-my-shoulders feeling, like I'm getting rid of all the anxieties and hang-ups that have been building up inside me. I need that to be able to get on with the rest of my shit.
Also, it turns out my little gender-shift wasn't as temporary as I assumed it would be. I've been searching the fringes of the interwebs and reading up on the subject. Ever since I can remember, I've been discouraged from thinking outside the box. The general rules seemed to be "Don't step out of line, do as you're told, don't let your personality imprint on anything outside of your mind." I have no idea where that last one came from, I have no memory of any life lesson or lecture, but it's been a huge roadblock in my life for... ever. Since I was about 12, I've been slowly uncovering the real person underneath all the stuff I've been told I'm supposed to be. I guess this is just another fun fact I've learned about myself. I've been becoming more and more comfortable with the term "genderqueer," even more so with "androgynous." Because of this, I've been reconsidering what I'll change my name to. I've been Tabitha for the past few years, at least to the people I like. I think it would be smart to chose a unisex name. Small problem, though, a lot of the unisex names I've come across so far are so plain. I never thought I'd want to start making lists of potential names again, but I find my self feeling more optimistic this time around. I've been hanging around on Genderfork, taking note of the kind of names and stuff. I feel good about this.
Before school started, my younger brother Jerome and I went to stay with our Aunt Kym and Uncle Greg for a week. This was a big week. I found out that most of my family know about the problems we've got going on, but were not aware of how much Mum's drinking was affecting us, or how much and often she drinks. There was a family meeting, where we got it all out and I got into a fight with my giant of a grandfather where we both had to be restrained. A few days before that I would have just broken down in tears even before the argument, but I felt so different after staying with Kym and Greg. There was a lot of time-wasting when everyone tried to convince my brother and I that it was our job to take care of Mum. What the fuck does it look like we've been trying to do? She's supposed to be the mother in this relationship. I figured that out a few years ago and backed off, and stopped thinking of myself as the one in charge of everything. One of the few intelligent adults to ever speak to me honestly said that if I acted like a kid, Mum would become the mother I needed. Bullshit. She's just not mother material. Good intentions don't equal good parenting. It's taken me a while to admit that. I've been feeling guilty for saying Mum's not the greatest, well, mum, but now I understand: she's not a dead-beat, she's just genuinely incapable. She's still a child herself. She had kids because it was what married couples were supposed to do.
It's also taken me a while to admit I'm not okay, and asking for help is definitely not something I've had a lot of practice at. After they got the message with a little help from Kym, who just listens like you wouldn't believe, we discussed alternative living arrangements. I'd already asked some of the aunts and uncles for help, and they just kind of blew me off while trying to stifle large quantities of guilt. The problem with my family is that they do want to help, they just don't fully understand, which was the point of the family meeting. My aunt Karen was trying to get an apartment with a friend, so I could move in with them and operate like an adult, but I'm so not ready for that it's not even funny. I've tried to operate like an adult for a long time, I can't do it. I admit I need parental figures in my life. (There's a lot of admitting going on) Kym understands that, and we've been working on finding a way for me to live with her. I had hoped to have the majority of these issues resolved before I started school, but it hasn't happened that way. I've been holding up okay, though, but it's starting to take it's toll. Thus the need for ejecting dead weight.
School is awesome. Simply awesome. I love my teachers, my classes, the stuff I'm learning, I've met loads of cool, interesting people. A few weeks ago, we went on an excursion for art to the APT6 exhibit at the Brisbane Gallery of Modern Art. It rocked, bigtime. I look forward to seeing it again without herds of raucous eight-year-olds running around. I totally aced my Art exam the other day, too (I think). Apart from feeling a little over whelmed (okay, a lot) the last few days, things have been very, very, good.
This post is getting ridiculously long, so I'll just leave it here.
xx Remarkable
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Brain Spew #2, Hair Issues and Boy Issues
I have barely written anything in my notebook in the last few days, and we all know that's not a good thing, so I'm going to spit out whatever I can right now. You are under no obligation to read it, in fact I highly suggest you don't, lest your brain be short-circuited by the frantic buzzing in my own.
I've had so much going on in my head lately, but no will to let it out on paper. I guess it's times like these one needs people to talk to. I really don't do enough talking. I'm like a balloon that's too full of air, I need to let it out!
Speaking of which, I have my next appointment with Louise tomorrow. With my Mum. This was supposed to be the big sort-it-all-out session, but my brain is so far away from the issue at hand, I have no idea what I'll say. I think once every 2 weeks is no where need frequent enough for my sessions with Louise.
I've been considering growing my hair out, which is scary somehow. I cut it super short a few months ago, into a sort of Louise Brooks bob, in line with my lips. It was kind of a big deal because I tried a short, shaggy cut when I was 11, cutting off my waist-long hair, and it came out horrible. I'm stubbourn, though, so every time it grew long enough to try again, I did, then got frustrated when it looked terrible. I'd managed to not cut it (apart from the not-so-infrequent Haircut of Despair) and had it down to my shoulders. Anyway, this time I looked damn good, and it was the first thing I'd ever done to physically acknowledge any kind of gender-variant behavior, though I didn't mention this to anyone. The fact that I thought I looked like a young Willy Wonka was my secret, though I think my granddad was unnerved by how it made me look, because he said I should grow it again, and also dye it a natural colour.
Thing is, I don't see myself as boy-ish at the moment. I'm not sure, but the it's been a few months before I cut my hair that I admitted I wasn't happy with showing the level of femininity in my appearance as I was. For some reason, now I'm a little scared about growing it out, even though it's only down to my chin now. I'm afraid of looking too... "feminine". I guess I feel kind of jipped that this short phase of my life went undocumented, apart from a few camera-phone photos on Halloween. Damn, I need a camera. What was I on about? Oh, right...
My physical appearance has always been dictated by others, hand-me-down clothes, Mum hair-cuts, that sort of thing, and it's always been girl-oriented. I've never really admitted it outright before, but now that I have I feel more comfortable with my gender(s) now, at least, the boy-ish part, and I felt good about expressing it, even if it was just to myself.
People expect me to be "female," and I guess I just don't want to give them the satisfaction anymore. I've forgotten how I was going to tie this in with the hair thing, but I don't feel right cutting it again. I'm not sure what to do here, or even if I should be worrying. Or if I should post this blog entry. To post or not to post, that is the question.
Maybe I should just shut up and go to bed. Yeah.
PS @TheLadySappho on Twitter needs out support. She's been practicing her fingers off making an audition video, and is going to ask Emilie Autumn to consider her as her touring keyboardist! Yippee!
PPS I know BB tagged me aaaaaages ago for that Honest Scrap game thing, but I really have no idea what I could write. I promise I will get around to it!
PPPS If anyone knows how to get rid of those stupid "Mood: Interesting, Funny, Cool" check boxes that appear at the end of my posts, please let me know! I'm sick of them!
XX Goodnight.
I've had so much going on in my head lately, but no will to let it out on paper. I guess it's times like these one needs people to talk to. I really don't do enough talking. I'm like a balloon that's too full of air, I need to let it out!
Speaking of which, I have my next appointment with Louise tomorrow. With my Mum. This was supposed to be the big sort-it-all-out session, but my brain is so far away from the issue at hand, I have no idea what I'll say. I think once every 2 weeks is no where need frequent enough for my sessions with Louise.
I've been considering growing my hair out, which is scary somehow. I cut it super short a few months ago, into a sort of Louise Brooks bob, in line with my lips. It was kind of a big deal because I tried a short, shaggy cut when I was 11, cutting off my waist-long hair, and it came out horrible. I'm stubbourn, though, so every time it grew long enough to try again, I did, then got frustrated when it looked terrible. I'd managed to not cut it (apart from the not-so-infrequent Haircut of Despair) and had it down to my shoulders. Anyway, this time I looked damn good, and it was the first thing I'd ever done to physically acknowledge any kind of gender-variant behavior, though I didn't mention this to anyone. The fact that I thought I looked like a young Willy Wonka was my secret, though I think my granddad was unnerved by how it made me look, because he said I should grow it again, and also dye it a natural colour.
Thing is, I don't see myself as boy-ish at the moment. I'm not sure, but the it's been a few months before I cut my hair that I admitted I wasn't happy with showing the level of femininity in my appearance as I was. For some reason, now I'm a little scared about growing it out, even though it's only down to my chin now. I'm afraid of looking too... "feminine". I guess I feel kind of jipped that this short phase of my life went undocumented, apart from a few camera-phone photos on Halloween. Damn, I need a camera. What was I on about? Oh, right...
My physical appearance has always been dictated by others, hand-me-down clothes, Mum hair-cuts, that sort of thing, and it's always been girl-oriented. I've never really admitted it outright before, but now that I have I feel more comfortable with my gender(s) now, at least, the boy-ish part, and I felt good about expressing it, even if it was just to myself.
People expect me to be "female," and I guess I just don't want to give them the satisfaction anymore. I've forgotten how I was going to tie this in with the hair thing, but I don't feel right cutting it again. I'm not sure what to do here, or even if I should be worrying. Or if I should post this blog entry. To post or not to post, that is the question.
Maybe I should just shut up and go to bed. Yeah.
PS @TheLadySappho on Twitter needs out support. She's been practicing her fingers off making an audition video, and is going to ask Emilie Autumn to consider her as her touring keyboardist! Yippee!
PPS I know BB tagged me aaaaaages ago for that Honest Scrap game thing, but I really have no idea what I could write. I promise I will get around to it!
PPPS If anyone knows how to get rid of those stupid "Mood: Interesting, Funny, Cool" check boxes that appear at the end of my posts, please let me know! I'm sick of them!
XX Goodnight.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Year's Fucking Eve
It's 9:00, and I'm in exactly the situation I promised myself I wouldn't be in on NYE. The fireworks have just started going off, and I can't see them from my house. It seems a good metaphore, as once again, I'm missing out.
Not any more.
Pretty soon my life will be in my own capable hands, and I'll be far away from here, this place, this situation, this state of mind. There are going to be some big goddamn changes in my life, or else. I'm not going to be a coward any longer.
The fireworks and the smell of jasmine in our front garden are messing with my head. At my grandparents' old house our NYE tradition was to climb onto the roof to see the fireworks at Robina Town Center, and Nana's garden always had the incredible smell of jasmine.
This year is going to be different. New decade, new life. There are so many people in my life that just drag me down, and I've put up with it because the people Iasked begged for help made excuses and invalidated my fears. There are people who ignored me when they could see I needed help. There are the people that enable my Mum's drinking, even with me crying in the corner. These people will be purged, so I can finally get on with my life.
There are good people, who want to help, who can help. There are people who have the common sense necessary to be a functional human being. There's a home out there that I haven't found, family that needs to be reminded that they cannot ignore me.
There are changes to be made, and a new era is dawning. The anger I feel has been builing for years, and I am simply incapable of bottling it up any longer. Like the release of the cork from my (imaginary) champagne bottle, everything I've been hiding will be set free.
My New Year's Resolution is this: to be honest. Totally, completely, 100% honest, to everyone. No more little white lies, no more bending the truth to keep secrets, no more making pathetic excuses.
My life up till now has been constricted and controlled so much, by my family, my own anxiety and depression, as well as my cowardice, that it barely counts as a life at all. I will not be that person any more.
I'm off to burn an effigy of my former self.
Happy New Year's, all!
Not any more.
Pretty soon my life will be in my own capable hands, and I'll be far away from here, this place, this situation, this state of mind. There are going to be some big goddamn changes in my life, or else. I'm not going to be a coward any longer.
The fireworks and the smell of jasmine in our front garden are messing with my head. At my grandparents' old house our NYE tradition was to climb onto the roof to see the fireworks at Robina Town Center, and Nana's garden always had the incredible smell of jasmine.
This year is going to be different. New decade, new life. There are so many people in my life that just drag me down, and I've put up with it because the people I
There are good people, who want to help, who can help. There are people who have the common sense necessary to be a functional human being. There's a home out there that I haven't found, family that needs to be reminded that they cannot ignore me.
There are changes to be made, and a new era is dawning. The anger I feel has been builing for years, and I am simply incapable of bottling it up any longer. Like the release of the cork from my (imaginary) champagne bottle, everything I've been hiding will be set free.
My New Year's Resolution is this: to be honest. Totally, completely, 100% honest, to everyone. No more little white lies, no more bending the truth to keep secrets, no more making pathetic excuses.
My life up till now has been constricted and controlled so much, by my family, my own anxiety and depression, as well as my cowardice, that it barely counts as a life at all. I will not be that person any more.
I'm off to burn an effigy of my former self.
Happy New Year's, all!
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