Fear Itself

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." I really hope this is true. The plans I have been clinging to for dear life the last few years are starting to unravel due to my procrastination. I lost another 3 years. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing. I understand now that I took the wrong fork in the road, and now I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff, with the ground shaking beneath me, it threatening to crumble out from under me. Normally in such a situation I would take comfort in the fact that I could start again when I hit the bottom of the chasm, but I know there's no bottom. I will just keep falling. And falling. And falling. I know I can prevent this from happening, I can save myself if I can bring myself to ask for help. I'm afraid of that too. The only person I've ever reached out to, who promised to help, flaked on me, not once, but twice. She knew I needed her help. I begged her to help, literally. "I can't really help you, sweetheart, I don't really have the room for another person. Maybe next year." A year later, we actually made plans. But nothing happened. Nada. This is what family is supposed to be for, isn't it? What's the point? I'm not going to let it end this way. I will not end up one of those sad, soulless people on the street. Is it possible to rewrite the past? Can I pretty please have a do-over?