Brain Spew #2, Hair Issues and Boy Issues

I have barely written anything in my notebook in the last few days, and we all know that's not a good thing, so I'm going to spit out whatever I can right now. You are under no obligation to read it, in fact I highly suggest you don't, lest your brain be short-circuited by the frantic buzzing in my own.

I've had so much going on in my head lately, but no will to let it out on paper. I guess it's times like these one needs people to talk to. I really don't do enough talking. I'm like a balloon that's too full of air, I need to let it out!

Speaking of which, I have my next appointment with Louise tomorrow. With my Mum. This was supposed to be the big sort-it-all-out session, but my brain is so far away from the issue at hand, I have no idea what I'll say. I think once every 2 weeks is no where need frequent enough for my sessions with Louise.

I've been considering growing my hair out, which is scary somehow. I cut it super short a few months ago, into a sort of Louise Brooks bob, in line with my lips. It was kind of a big deal because I tried a short, shaggy cut when I was 11, cutting off my waist-long hair, and it came out horrible. I'm stubbourn, though, so every time it grew long enough to try again, I did, then got frustrated when it looked terrible. I'd managed to not cut it (apart from the not-so-infrequent Haircut of Despair) and had it down to my shoulders. Anyway, this time I looked damn good, and it was the first thing I'd ever done to physically acknowledge any kind of gender-variant behavior, though I didn't mention this to anyone. The fact that I thought I looked like a young Willy Wonka was my secret, though I think my granddad was unnerved by how it made me look, because he said I should grow it again, and also dye it a natural colour.

Thing is, I don't see myself as boy-ish at the moment. I'm not sure, but the it's been a few months before I cut my hair that I admitted I wasn't happy with showing the level of femininity in my appearance as I was. For some reason, now I'm a little scared about growing it out, even though it's only down to my chin now. I'm afraid of looking too... "feminine". I guess I feel kind of jipped that this short phase of my life went undocumented, apart from a few camera-phone photos on Halloween. Damn, I need a camera. What was I on about? Oh, right...

My physical appearance has always been dictated by others, hand-me-down clothes, Mum hair-cuts, that sort of thing, and it's always been girl-oriented. I've never really admitted it outright before, but now that I have I feel more comfortable with my gender(s) now, at least, the boy-ish part, and I felt good about expressing it, even if it was just to myself.

People expect me to be "female," and I guess I just don't want to give them the satisfaction anymore. I've forgotten how I was going to tie this in with the hair thing, but I don't feel right cutting it again. I'm not sure what to do here, or even if I should be worrying. Or if I should post this blog entry. To post or not to post, that is the question.

Maybe I should just shut up and go to bed. Yeah.

PS @TheLadySappho on Twitter needs out support. She's been practicing her fingers off making an audition video, and is going to ask Emilie Autumn to consider her as her touring keyboardist! Yippee!

PPS I know BB tagged me aaaaaages ago for that Honest Scrap game thing, but I really have no idea what I could write. I promise I will get around to it!

PPPS If anyone knows how to get rid of those stupid "Mood: Interesting, Funny, Cool" check boxes that appear at the end of my posts, please let me know! I'm sick of them!

XX Goodnight.

Brain Spew #1, Notebooks and the Ultimate Cat Fighting League

Well, it's been donkey's years since I've written anything of note, so I guess I should blog something tonight.

Things are generally okay.

I've finished my journal with the Kiniko Craft picture, it was only 192 pages! I have another, much thicker book with koi fish on the front, and my first entry was much easier than the last time I started a new book. I suppose it was because I waited almost a month to write in the Kinko book. Anyway, I have a whole box full of beautiful journals that I've had for ages and never written in because I felt whatever I could write in them would be unworthy of their pages or something. That was something I had to get rid of. There are plenty more notebooks in the world, and many are just as beautiful, so, I'm working my way through this box of journals. Except the travel journals. I'll save those for traveling. I had a visit from Clever Merlin, directly preceding the commencement of the new journal, which was just plain awesome. There were brownies and walking, and we were held hostage by a sociopathic six-year-old. Tuns of fun!

I've noticed that my cat has become rather vicious since we moved. At our old house, whenever she got into fights with other cats she would always run away, or else end up trapped in our courtyard with the enemy cat between her and the front door. But here in Coomera, on three separate occasions have I watched her attack other cats. No joke. I'm beginning to wonder if she feels tougher compared to these posh suburban pussies. They're obviously no where near as dangerous as the Nerang ghetto cats. I mean, my cat is a cream puff. She even looks like one! She loves nothing more than a cuddle and some warm chicken, she's no Ultimate Fighter! It's amazing that she's suddenly a warrior cat. anyway, it's later than it should be, so I'm off to bed.

G'night!

XX Tabitha

Remarkable Prettybones: Mime-Stalker Extrodinaire

Yesterday I went to the Ekka, and since my journal is full and I'm waiting on a new one, I guess I'll write this here. I found a mime on stilts near the showbag pavillion in the afternoon. He was wearing a black, dusty-looking tailcoat suit. He was bald, with a large hooked nose and a walking stick that looked like an old fashioned lamp post with a candle in it. He had on lots of make-up, fake spiders and snakes all over him, and contact lenses that were white with black Xs over his pupils. He had a rubber rat that he posed with. He was very creepy looking, but moved so daintily, and he always had his pinkys up. When I first saw him I was with Jerome, and I told him to give him some of his fairy floss. When he took a bit, the whole lot came with it. He made a funny surprised face and raised his hand to his cheek before Jerome pulled most of the floss back. He shook my hand, too. After racing back to the dairy cow pavillion to get Mum, I followed him around for the whole afternoon. One man stole his rat, so he took his wife by the arm and started to lead her away, until the man gave the rat back. He was incredible to watch. With every step he took, he gathered more people. He made them laugh, surprised them and scared them silly, as well as giving them a wonderful memory to keep, all without uttering a sound. I've always wanted to be a performer, but I've never known where to start. Seeing this guy brought up a whole new perspective on this kind of performance. I followed him around until it started to get dark, then he went behind a screen that had a sign on it that said "No Entry, Authourised Personnel Only". I figured that was where teh dressing rooms were, so I waited outside for about 2 hours. (It gets very cold quickly in winter, I've never realized just how quickly.) The whole time I was supposed to be meeting up with Mum, and it was by sheer luck that I found her, as there was a smoking area (kind of like a small pen for people) across from the dressing rooms. We both waited until came out, because I wanted to find out about his character, and how he got into this line of work. When he emerge, clean-faced and dressed in jeans an a polo shirt, he was wheeling a bicycle. he introduced himself as Frans, and I asked him about his character. It's called "The Gentleman" and is based on a character on an episode of Buffy. He answered all my questions gladly, even though he was obviously as cold as I was, and his wife was waiting in a No Parking Zone to pick him up. He's from Holland,where he's studied all sorts of performance arts with people like Marcel Marceau! He's also dyslexic, which is part of the reason why he loves mime so much. He gave me all sorts of useful information, telling me about circus training programs in Brisbane and on the Gold Coast. His wife is part of the Volcana Womens' Circus, and he encouraged me to get as much practical experiance as possible, and to start young. Mum told him about the character I made up for my self while I was watching him, which embarrassed me a lot, especially when she asked me to explain it to him. We exchanged emails and he gave me the name of his website. I'm so glad I didn't chiken out. I almost didn't even think about it. I'm going to remember this as a prime example of the good things that can happen when I ignore my shyness. Now I'm off to research the Circus University, another of Frans' recommendations. It's the only circus uni in the world, and it has campuses in Melbourne and Sydney! Love, Remarkable