It's Over

Whatever little spark has been pushing me to go to school everyday and actually FINISH high school died slowly over the week. Nothing else seems to matter much either. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, always has been. Trouble is, I'm not getting any closer. I haven't moved forward in 6 years. I don't think I remember how.

I quit. It's over. I'm not giving up on life, don't panic. But the way I'm going about it now isn't working. I haven't seen Louise in a month. I was supposed to see a specialist she referred me too, but her office is too far away, and I really hate using Mum's phone. Louise moved to the same suburb, so I have to find the money for the train before I can go see her.

We're flat broke. No grocery shopping for 3 weeks. Not a slice of bread left in the house. I've reverted back to my old habit of drinking tea when I'm hungry. I think I'm a little dehydrated because of it.

This life is void. It was never going anywhere to start with. I always knew I was born in the wrong body, to the wrong family, in the wrong state. How did I become the person I am in these surroundings? I am the exact opposite of a chameleon. I have to much imagination to be happy with what I have, but not enough to make it into what I want it to be.

I knew this would happen. I told them I needed stability before I went back to school or it would burn me out. I can't do this anymore. It's over. Not that it ever began in the first place.

Brain Spew #2, Hair Issues and Boy Issues

I have barely written anything in my notebook in the last few days, and we all know that's not a good thing, so I'm going to spit out whatever I can right now. You are under no obligation to read it, in fact I highly suggest you don't, lest your brain be short-circuited by the frantic buzzing in my own.

I've had so much going on in my head lately, but no will to let it out on paper. I guess it's times like these one needs people to talk to. I really don't do enough talking. I'm like a balloon that's too full of air, I need to let it out!

Speaking of which, I have my next appointment with Louise tomorrow. With my Mum. This was supposed to be the big sort-it-all-out session, but my brain is so far away from the issue at hand, I have no idea what I'll say. I think once every 2 weeks is no where need frequent enough for my sessions with Louise.

I've been considering growing my hair out, which is scary somehow. I cut it super short a few months ago, into a sort of Louise Brooks bob, in line with my lips. It was kind of a big deal because I tried a short, shaggy cut when I was 11, cutting off my waist-long hair, and it came out horrible. I'm stubbourn, though, so every time it grew long enough to try again, I did, then got frustrated when it looked terrible. I'd managed to not cut it (apart from the not-so-infrequent Haircut of Despair) and had it down to my shoulders. Anyway, this time I looked damn good, and it was the first thing I'd ever done to physically acknowledge any kind of gender-variant behavior, though I didn't mention this to anyone. The fact that I thought I looked like a young Willy Wonka was my secret, though I think my granddad was unnerved by how it made me look, because he said I should grow it again, and also dye it a natural colour.

Thing is, I don't see myself as boy-ish at the moment. I'm not sure, but the it's been a few months before I cut my hair that I admitted I wasn't happy with showing the level of femininity in my appearance as I was. For some reason, now I'm a little scared about growing it out, even though it's only down to my chin now. I'm afraid of looking too... "feminine". I guess I feel kind of jipped that this short phase of my life went undocumented, apart from a few camera-phone photos on Halloween. Damn, I need a camera. What was I on about? Oh, right...

My physical appearance has always been dictated by others, hand-me-down clothes, Mum hair-cuts, that sort of thing, and it's always been girl-oriented. I've never really admitted it outright before, but now that I have I feel more comfortable with my gender(s) now, at least, the boy-ish part, and I felt good about expressing it, even if it was just to myself.

People expect me to be "female," and I guess I just don't want to give them the satisfaction anymore. I've forgotten how I was going to tie this in with the hair thing, but I don't feel right cutting it again. I'm not sure what to do here, or even if I should be worrying. Or if I should post this blog entry. To post or not to post, that is the question.

Maybe I should just shut up and go to bed. Yeah.

PS @TheLadySappho on Twitter needs out support. She's been practicing her fingers off making an audition video, and is going to ask Emilie Autumn to consider her as her touring keyboardist! Yippee!

PPS I know BB tagged me aaaaaages ago for that Honest Scrap game thing, but I really have no idea what I could write. I promise I will get around to it!

PPPS If anyone knows how to get rid of those stupid "Mood: Interesting, Funny, Cool" check boxes that appear at the end of my posts, please let me know! I'm sick of them!

XX Goodnight.

Brain Spew #1, Notebooks and the Ultimate Cat Fighting League

Well, it's been donkey's years since I've written anything of note, so I guess I should blog something tonight.

Things are generally okay.

I've finished my journal with the Kiniko Craft picture, it was only 192 pages! I have another, much thicker book with koi fish on the front, and my first entry was much easier than the last time I started a new book. I suppose it was because I waited almost a month to write in the Kinko book. Anyway, I have a whole box full of beautiful journals that I've had for ages and never written in because I felt whatever I could write in them would be unworthy of their pages or something. That was something I had to get rid of. There are plenty more notebooks in the world, and many are just as beautiful, so, I'm working my way through this box of journals. Except the travel journals. I'll save those for traveling. I had a visit from Clever Merlin, directly preceding the commencement of the new journal, which was just plain awesome. There were brownies and walking, and we were held hostage by a sociopathic six-year-old. Tuns of fun!

I've noticed that my cat has become rather vicious since we moved. At our old house, whenever she got into fights with other cats she would always run away, or else end up trapped in our courtyard with the enemy cat between her and the front door. But here in Coomera, on three separate occasions have I watched her attack other cats. No joke. I'm beginning to wonder if she feels tougher compared to these posh suburban pussies. They're obviously no where near as dangerous as the Nerang ghetto cats. I mean, my cat is a cream puff. She even looks like one! She loves nothing more than a cuddle and some warm chicken, she's no Ultimate Fighter! It's amazing that she's suddenly a warrior cat. anyway, it's later than it should be, so I'm off to bed.

G'night!

XX Tabitha