It's Over

Whatever little spark has been pushing me to go to school everyday and actually FINISH high school died slowly over the week. Nothing else seems to matter much either. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, always has been. Trouble is, I'm not getting any closer. I haven't moved forward in 6 years. I don't think I remember how.

I quit. It's over. I'm not giving up on life, don't panic. But the way I'm going about it now isn't working. I haven't seen Louise in a month. I was supposed to see a specialist she referred me too, but her office is too far away, and I really hate using Mum's phone. Louise moved to the same suburb, so I have to find the money for the train before I can go see her.

We're flat broke. No grocery shopping for 3 weeks. Not a slice of bread left in the house. I've reverted back to my old habit of drinking tea when I'm hungry. I think I'm a little dehydrated because of it.

This life is void. It was never going anywhere to start with. I always knew I was born in the wrong body, to the wrong family, in the wrong state. How did I become the person I am in these surroundings? I am the exact opposite of a chameleon. I have to much imagination to be happy with what I have, but not enough to make it into what I want it to be.

I knew this would happen. I told them I needed stability before I went back to school or it would burn me out. I can't do this anymore. It's over. Not that it ever began in the first place.

New Year's Fucking Eve

It's 9:00, and I'm in exactly the situation I promised myself I wouldn't be in on NYE. The fireworks have just started going off, and I can't see them from my house. It seems a good metaphore, as once again, I'm missing out.

Not any more.

Pretty soon my life will be in my own capable hands, and I'll be far away from here, this place, this situation, this state of mind. There are going to be some big goddamn changes in my life, or else. I'm not going to be a coward any longer.

The fireworks and the smell of jasmine in our front garden are messing with my head. At my grandparents' old house our NYE tradition was to climb onto the roof to see the fireworks at Robina Town Center, and Nana's garden always had the incredible smell of jasmine.

This year is going to be different. New decade, new life. There are so many people in my life that just drag me down, and I've put up with it because the people I asked begged for help made excuses and invalidated my fears. There are people who ignored me when they could see I needed help. There are the people that enable my Mum's drinking, even with me crying in the corner. These people will be purged, so I can  finally get on with my life.

There are good people, who want to help, who can help. There are people who have the common sense necessary to be a functional human being. There's a home out there that I haven't found, family that needs to be reminded that they cannot ignore me.

There are changes to be made, and a new era is dawning. The anger I feel has been builing for years, and I am simply incapable of bottling it up any longer. Like the release of the cork from my (imaginary) champagne bottle, everything I've been hiding will be set free.

My New Year's Resolution is this: to be honest. Totally, completely, 100% honest, to everyone. No more little white lies, no more bending the truth to keep secrets, no more making pathetic excuses.

My life up till now has been constricted and controlled so much, by my family, my own anxiety and depression, as well as my cowardice, that it barely counts as a life at all. I will not be that person any more.

I'm off to burn an effigy of my former self.

Happy New Year's, all!

O Christmas Tree

So. Halloween is over. I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. But whatever. That means that my birthday and Christmas are coming up. The other day, I went into another panic attack when my brother asked me if I was looking forward to our birthdays. (We 3 years apart, but our birthdays are in the same week,s o everyone always lumps us together like we're the same fucking person) I'm getting very sick of this living-in-my-head-unable-to-face-reality-and-the-insanely-fast-passage-of-time. I need to get some shit done, for my sanity. The other night I realized that I am really not immune to that often-mentioned daddy complex, and that this is tied in with my fear of aging. Long story, but I realized I need to move on with my life. I still feel 13, but I hope that acting like a 16-year-old will make me grow up. Or something. One good thing about this time of year is the Christmas tree. When I was little, my Nana and I would decorate her tree every year. We never had our own tree, so I kind of adopted hers. We haven't done that for years, not since we moved away. This is my grandparents second Christmas in their new house, and I feel like it's important to do this. I feel like I'm ready to move on and accept the new house after having their old one, my real home brutally ripped out from under them. I'm giving myself permission to do the whole Christmas thing this year. I no longer consider myself a Jehovah's Witness, and feel free to do as I please. And I really do love the holidays. I even talked to Mum about getting our own Christmas tree.