Blog 2.0

I really should write in this blog more often. So much has happened in the last few months that I don't know where to begin. i do know that i don't want to keep writing the way i have. keeping an online journal of my life is not the best way for me to record my thoughts. i'm going to be more selctive and thoughtful about what I post. i want to take more time and think more carefully about what i want to say.


the internet is something most of us can't help but take for granted, but when i stop to think about it, i find it truely amazing. i mean the internet allows us to share information instantly with people all over the world. to have our voices heard. it's a shame that the blogosphere has become so cluttered with thoughtless crap, not to mention every random thought that seems to make it's way onto facebook and twitter.


anyway, i guess my point is this is going to become a real blog. I've already changed the URL and title (more information on why later) and the layout, though i'm still looking for something better. i plan on making changes to the way i write as well as how often i post. i'm not promising a regular posting schedule or anything, but I'll write when i have something to say.


watch this space.

New Year's Fucking Eve

It's 9:00, and I'm in exactly the situation I promised myself I wouldn't be in on NYE. The fireworks have just started going off, and I can't see them from my house. It seems a good metaphore, as once again, I'm missing out.

Not any more.

Pretty soon my life will be in my own capable hands, and I'll be far away from here, this place, this situation, this state of mind. There are going to be some big goddamn changes in my life, or else. I'm not going to be a coward any longer.

The fireworks and the smell of jasmine in our front garden are messing with my head. At my grandparents' old house our NYE tradition was to climb onto the roof to see the fireworks at Robina Town Center, and Nana's garden always had the incredible smell of jasmine.

This year is going to be different. New decade, new life. There are so many people in my life that just drag me down, and I've put up with it because the people I asked begged for help made excuses and invalidated my fears. There are people who ignored me when they could see I needed help. There are the people that enable my Mum's drinking, even with me crying in the corner. These people will be purged, so I can  finally get on with my life.

There are good people, who want to help, who can help. There are people who have the common sense necessary to be a functional human being. There's a home out there that I haven't found, family that needs to be reminded that they cannot ignore me.

There are changes to be made, and a new era is dawning. The anger I feel has been builing for years, and I am simply incapable of bottling it up any longer. Like the release of the cork from my (imaginary) champagne bottle, everything I've been hiding will be set free.

My New Year's Resolution is this: to be honest. Totally, completely, 100% honest, to everyone. No more little white lies, no more bending the truth to keep secrets, no more making pathetic excuses.

My life up till now has been constricted and controlled so much, by my family, my own anxiety and depression, as well as my cowardice, that it barely counts as a life at all. I will not be that person any more.

I'm off to burn an effigy of my former self.

Happy New Year's, all!

O Christmas Tree

So. Halloween is over. I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. But whatever. That means that my birthday and Christmas are coming up. The other day, I went into another panic attack when my brother asked me if I was looking forward to our birthdays. (We 3 years apart, but our birthdays are in the same week,s o everyone always lumps us together like we're the same fucking person) I'm getting very sick of this living-in-my-head-unable-to-face-reality-and-the-insanely-fast-passage-of-time. I need to get some shit done, for my sanity. The other night I realized that I am really not immune to that often-mentioned daddy complex, and that this is tied in with my fear of aging. Long story, but I realized I need to move on with my life. I still feel 13, but I hope that acting like a 16-year-old will make me grow up. Or something. One good thing about this time of year is the Christmas tree. When I was little, my Nana and I would decorate her tree every year. We never had our own tree, so I kind of adopted hers. We haven't done that for years, not since we moved away. This is my grandparents second Christmas in their new house, and I feel like it's important to do this. I feel like I'm ready to move on and accept the new house after having their old one, my real home brutally ripped out from under them. I'm giving myself permission to do the whole Christmas thing this year. I no longer consider myself a Jehovah's Witness, and feel free to do as I please. And I really do love the holidays. I even talked to Mum about getting our own Christmas tree.

Mid-year's resolutions

Alright, so it's the middle of July, but like they say, there's no time like the present. My list of goals (mid-year resolutions, if you will) the I aim to have completed at least some of them by the end of the year. 1.Finish my Paradise Kids story. The Paradise Kids book is a project started by Hannah and Luke, of www.hannahluke.com and they've asked me to write a story for their latest fund raising project, a book written by children who've lived through some pretty tough shit. Check out their website, help raise money for the Hopewell Hospice and Paradise Kids, my local counseling center! 2. Get a job! 3. Learn not to be afraid of spending money. I've sort of had this programmed fear of spending money on myself. I'm determined to conquer it. 4. Get my learner's. Possibly P's, depending on time. 5. Stand up for myself. This is a biggie because I used to let myself get pushed around a lot. I've been working on being more assertive, but I've yet to put it into practice. 6. Establish my personal style. Been working on it for a while, lots of different elements that will take skill to combine. 7. Talk to my counselor/shrink more often. No explanation needed, surely. 8. Legally change my name. This is something that I've wanted to do since I was a wee tot. I've been through hell trying to find a name that "fits" me, and I've been putting off signing anything until I was sure. Now, I'm sure, and given the amount of paperwork I've been bombarded with since turning 16, Now would be the perfect time to do this, before I have any other red tape to deal with. 9. Go back to work for Sam. Sam was a woman I did work experience for last year, though I was so far in my shell that I barely talked at all and spent 3 or 4 days of the actual work experience time hiding in my bed. Now that I'm not so pathetic, I want to go back to work, albeit unpaid, for her, and do a better job! (Side note: I think this is the first time in ages I've actually wanted to make someone proud of me...) 10. Go back to school. The last three years have been a mess, and during that time I've had to repeat grade 10. Three times. This was largely due to the fact that my only pillar of support was crumbling underneath me, and I was to afraid to face the reality of it all, so I just metaphorically curled up in a ball with my eyes shut. I missed out on a lot, and I was younger than my classmates, so I'm not really that far behind. This also has a lot to do with #11. 11. Tell the truth. No more bottling up emotions until I want to blast someone with a 12-gauge shotgun. 12. Revisit Laidley. A wretched cesspool of delinquency and misery. This was one of the places my mother moved us too during her three year long alcohol binge. there was something about the place that made me terrified to look outside, lest I be confronted with the realities of living in a town of uninspired beings. I've always promised myself I'd go back and show it that I wasn't afraid...or something like that. This one ties in with #9, since Sam lives and works in Laidley. 13. Get back in touch with old friends. Another thing that I fucked up and am angry at myself about. Again, it was because of that horrible black cloud. 14. Make new friends. See #10. 15. Join a club. I've never been in one (unless you count Computer Gym when I was 4) 16. Commit an act of silly teenage rebellion. I'm thinking...candy-apple red hair. Maybe a piercing? 17. Sing in public. I'm a good singer, and I know it. I love to sing, but I care far to much about what others think. I'm going to change that. 18. Sew something I'm proud of. A simple sundress or something. 19. See a symphony/ballet/opera or similar. Big fan, but I've never actually seen one outside of a television screen. 20. See Alice Cooper in concert!! He is my personal savior. His music and imagery helped me see a side of myself that I had previously been taught to ignore. Every yearning for self-improvement, every desire to try something new, everything that I've changed in my life was inspired by him. He's doing a show in Brisbane in August, it's a brand new show, new storyline and everything, and I am *definitely* going to be there to see it. 21. Go to an art gallery. And enjoy it. 23. Busk in the street. Some sort of street performance anyway. 24. Seduce an older man. This may seem like an odd one, since I've absolutely no experience whatsoever with the opposite sex, but it's something I've always wanted to do. 25. Finish grade 11. See #10. 26. Reach out to the strangers who inspire me. These include, but are not limited to: Alice Cooper, Emilie Autumn, Marilyn Manson, Amanda Palmer, Destroyx and Z00g, Gala Darling, Doe Deere...aaaaaaaaand anyone else I can think of. 27. Cook a whole meal and eat it with dear friends. At least an entree, main and dessert. 28. Have a memory-worthy Christmas. No fights, no religious clashes, plenty of photos and funny hats. 29. Have more people know me by one of the names I've picked for myself. My birth name is hereby reserved for those closest to me only. If you haven't seen me naked, you're not allowed to know what it is. (It should be noted that seeing me naked isn't the only prerequisite needed, nor is it absolutely necessary) Either Remarkable Prettybones or Tabitha, thank you very much. 30. Have a Sweet 17. May or may not tie in with #29. Last year, my 16th, was the only time I've chosen to celebrate my birthday, due to misguided religious piety. Long story short, Mum got stone drunk and we ended up stranded in Robina, no trains or buses (no car, due to previous nights spent intoxicated in a vile stupor) with her screaming at me that it was my fault. I spoke up for the first time, though it didn't make a difference) I'm going to throw a picnic or something, and Mum isn't invited, so there. 32. Get to know the owner of a vintage record shop. And in the process expand my musical knowledge. 33. Hire violin/piano teacher. I've been playing violin for about six months now, and I've gotten as far as I can on my own. I also want to take up piano, but given how frustrating it has been learning violin without a pro there to answer questions, I don't want to go it alone. 34. Learn to play guitar. Dunno if I'll need help with this one. 35. Start a blog. Done! Now if I can just figure out how to do that strike-through thingy.